Disconnected Dad

The greatest gift is the present.

Published Thursday, June 01, 2006 by Dave | E-mail this post

I'm pretty well blown away. I did some whining on the show about some things in my life (my kids being thousands of miles away, and how much it hurts and how helpless I feel about it sometimes) and I knew people would write and be supportive. If I'm honest with myself I'll admit I hoped so and thought it would be helpful to getting it straight in my mind. But the true reason I talked about it was that I needed people to know what was buzzing in the background. I needed people to know that this thing was going on (which I'm sure I've glancingly mentioned before, but not the details so much) and that I hoped they didn't think I' was an awful person because of it. I know I'm not an awful person, but I don't feel good at all about the situation I (and really I alone) have created. It isn't a hollywood style, all-things-end-well kind of story. It's the kind of story that, if heard in person, would likely cause an awkward silence, and maybe some polite comments.

But what I got was overwhelming. The supportive comments and emails I've gotten have really made me back up and think about it all in a new way. I haven't finished thinking, and I'm not saying I've arrived at some new conclusion, but I've come much closer to feeling that everything can be okay in its own way, and that sometimes we are weaker than we expect ourselves to be and that even though it's not "okay" it's just the way it is.

I love my kids so much, and I have so many faults that I don't want to really think about it, but having the support of people who care, even though I don't feel I deserve it, has meant so much to me that I have trouble putting it into words. Somehow those are the times I always try to.

So I guess this is just me being bewildered, surprised, humbled, and very very thankful of the good nature of people.

I'm going to make sure I put in the maximum effort I'm able, to keep myself in the lives of my children. I know I haven't even started yet, but I'll figure it out.

Love to everybody.
Dave

4 Responses to “Disconnected Dad”

Anonymous on 9:43 p.m.

Ada boy....

You are doing just great over there. The honesty is amazing isn't it? I'm happy you had so much feedback about that episode. Well deserved my friend and keep being positive....
Anonymous on 2:02 a.m.

Hey Dave,

I keep meaning to email you about this episode, but I can't seem to finish listening to it! (I have two very small kids myself.)

My other problem is that I can't come up with the perfect supportive thing to say. I did want to chime in that you are indeed not an awful person and that hearing you talk about it almost made my cry.

Hang in there!
Anonymous on 3:05 p.m.

Hey honey,

I'm glad that you opened up about that stuff the way you did, not just so that you give everyone an idea of what's going on, but mainly so that it doesn't stay bottled up in you. Swallowing that stuff and pushing it down is too much for a person to bear, I think. I hurt for you over it and it did make me cry listening to you talk about it not just out of sympathy but also out of feel very proud of you. You may think you aren't doing so well with 'being there' for them, but let me assure you that you are doing much better than you think. Not to say you shouldn't keep trying harder and harder, just try not to beat yourself up over what you feel are your shortcomings.

My Dad moved across the country from us and he was pretty much gone for good. No calls no letters nothing of any regularity. I might get a card every two or three years, but unless I made contact it didn't happen. Once in a blue moon he would show up unexpectedly at our house and blow our minds, but then he'd be gone again in a couple of hours. I think that sort of thing made it even worse b/c then you start to think "Is that him over there?"

My point is this, you have a routine of sorts with your kids and they know what to expect and you come through for them. They know they can count on you, and they know you'd do anything in the world for them if they needed it. You ARE doing your best, you ARE trying to do better. NO you aren't perfect, but kids don't expect perfection of us, only we do of ourselves - and it does us NO good. Instead it hinders us further, like saying "if I can't do it THIS way, I won't do it at all".

I'm very glad that they have you, and you them.

Much love and support, also from a great distance, see, it DOES work.....April
Anonymous on 10:57 a.m.

Hey Dave,
I want you to know how good it is to hear about all you do for your kids. When my husband's sister got divorced, it was tough on the kids. Not because their parents were no longer together but because their Dad could not put their feelings before his own. I think initially it was hard for him to talk to them because it hurt to be away from them. Later, he began to avoid them, both because it hurt and he was afraid the state would track him down for the child support he owes. Sad, huh? It's been about 6 years now. There's no consistency in his contact, but he makes promises that he consistenly breaks. It's hard to hear my 7 year old niece sounding far too knowledgeable about the odds of seeing MarkDad this summer.

I got all misty hearing about all that you do to stay close to your kids. It's so obvious how much you love them, and they can't help but know it! That's by far the most important thing. There are so many kids with Dads or Moms who live nearby, or even in the same house, who don't get the kind of love and support you give to your children. I felt proud of you, too, and I don't really know you! It's good to know that my imaginary friends are such good people in their real lives. Hee hee.